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    Parliamo Glesga?

    quickfind:5590
     

    Postings on this topic in the 'Everything Scottish: Scottish Humour' chat forum

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    Page 1 of 3: 1 2 3 next
    Parliamo Glesga?
    from Margaret T (maggiehk) on Wed 20/10/10 10:50

    My favourite jokes are those that depend on a bit of local knowledge/Scottish accent to be funny. I'd love to collect some to add to my small store!
    Here goes:

    Q. Why do polar bears prefer Glasgow Zoo to Edinburgh Zoo?

    A. Because it's a caulder park.

    Please explain the answer (to the non-Glaswegians) and add a joke of your own!

    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Philip A: Cogito, sumere potum alterum (phil) photos on Wed 20/10/10 11:00

    (explanation): Caulder is Glaswegian pronunciation for colder. Calderpark (pronounced caulder-park) is Glasgow's zoo!

    Glasgow woman walks into the butcher, as he is standing with his hands behind his back in front of the radiator.

    She enquires, "Is that your Ayrshire bacon?"

    "Naw!", he replies, "Jist waarmin' ma hauns!"

    tick 2
     
    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Philip A: Cogito, sumere potum alterum (phil) photos on Wed 20/10/10 11:06

    Another Glesga wifie is doin' her shopping. First goes to the china shop and purchases a chamber pot (for under the bed). Carrying this, she enters that self-same butcher.

    "A pun a' fillet", our good woman exclaims.

    "Yer on!" replies the butcher!

    tick 1
     
    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Philip A: Cogito, sumere potum alterum (phil) photos on Wed 20/10/10 11:08

    Having finished at the china shop and the butcher, she goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

    "Comfy?" asks the dentist.

    "Govan," she replies.

    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Philip A: Cogito, sumere potum alterum (phil) photos on Wed 20/10/10 11:09

    After announcing he's getting married, a Glasgow boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.

    "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

    "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

    tick 3
     
    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Philip A: Cogito, sumere potum alterum (phil) photos on Wed 20/10/10 11:10

    A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.

    "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks.

    "Piston broke," he replies.

    "Aye, same as masel..."

    tick 1
     
    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Philip A: Cogito, sumere potum alterum (phil) photos on Wed 20/10/10 11:15

    A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
    "Haw he, Da! Can ye come and get me? I think ma waters huv broken".

    "Nae problemo," says her dad. "Wher' ur ye ringing frae?".

    "Frae ma knickers tae ma feet!".

    tick 1
     
    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Philip A: Cogito, sumere potum alterum (phil) photos on Wed 20/10/10 11:17

    Three wee dugs joabbies sitting on Sauchiehall Street. Which one's the Musketeer?

    The dark tan yin!

    tick 2
     
    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Philip A: Cogito, sumere potum alterum (phil) photos on Wed 20/10/10 11:20

    While being interviewed for a job as a Glesga bus driver, a guy is asked:

    "Whit wid ye dae if ye had a bampot passenger?"

    "I'd pit him aff at the next stoap," he says.

    "Good! And whit wid ye dae if ye couldnae get the ferr?"

    "I'd settle fur the first two weeks in August," he replies.

    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Margaret T (maggiehk) on Wed 20/10/10 11:32

    quickfind:phil > ""Piston broke," he replies.

    "Aye, same as masel..."


    Thank you! I love them all!!! (And I only had to sound a few of them out.....)

    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Rodger M (rodger_moffet) lifetime member member photos on Wed 20/10/10 11:35

    Man walks into a bakers shop and asks:

    "Can a have a mince roon?"

    Baker says:

    Ay on ye go pal its a free country

    tick 2
     
    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Margaret T (maggiehk) on Wed 20/10/10 11:36

    quickfind:phil > ""Good! And whit wid ye dae if ye couldnae get the ferr?"

    "I'd settle fur the first two weeks in August," he replies."


    ROFL!!!

    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Rodger M (rodger_moffet) lifetime member member photos on Wed 20/10/10 11:39

    Two explorers walking through the jungle with their guides - suddenly a guide drops down dead with an arrow in his chest. Explorer one looks at it and says: Look at the unique feathers used in this arrow - this is from the wakalatoosie tribe.

    They walk on - another guide drops down and the explorer examines the arrow - takes it out and smells the tip "yes this is a unique poison - only used by the minowini tribe

    After a mile of so the expert explorer falls to the ground with a very small arrow in his chest - his friends runs over "who did this?" He replies "This was a Rangers fan"

    "But how can you tell"

    "wee arra people"

    tick 3
     
    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Rodger M (rodger_moffet) lifetime member member photos on Wed 20/10/10 11:47

    My dad got put on a charge when he was in the Army for this bit of smart alec banter in the NAFFI canteen.

    Dad: looking at the menu blackboard "Ill have pissholes and chips

    NAFFI Woman: what?

    Dad: It says there - pissoles and chips

    NAFFI: Ya cheeky bugger thats no a p its an R wae the bit rubbed off

    Dad: Aye ok then ill have R-soles and chips!

    That bit of cheek meant he had to help clean the kitchen, here was this girl he fancied who was a cook and he was mucking about and threw a wet dishcloth at her - she ducked and hit hit this mousy girl behind who burst into tears, he went to apologise and to say sorry asked if she wanted to come out to the pictures.

    They ended up married - that was mum!

    tick 5
     
    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Philip A: Cogito, sumere potum alterum (phil) photos on Wed 20/10/10 11:51

    Nicknames in use that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates.

    Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

    Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

    The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. the wee bag on the side).

    The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that.'

    The Man from Del Monte - purportedly a ladies' man, but everyone suspects it's the fruits that make him say: 'Yes!'

    The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.

    Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.

    Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.

    Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

    Bernard Caliper - a keen golfer with a leg iron.

    Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

    Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls.

    Elmer - according to his mates, this guy is a real Fudd.

    Harvey Smith - a skinflint who regularly enjoys a clear round at the bar.

    The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

    The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the craw ( gets off his mark, leaves)

    Bungalow – He's got nothing ‘up top'.

    Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

    The Mounty - whenever there's a kerry-oot on the go, he always gets his can

    Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.

    Captain Hook - continually late for work, it's believed he must be scared of the alarm clock.

    Wolfy - fond of a right good bevvy, he's always howling.

    The Exorcist – Any spirits in the house, they're gone before he leaves!

    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Danny M: auchenshoogle (striker68) on Wed 20/10/10 11:51

    duncan getting ready to go out on the town gets himself awe dolled up as he comes doon the stair he shouts to the wife hey mary-doll have you got your coat on awe darling are we going oot naw he shouts im turning the heating off

    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Danny M: auchenshoogle (striker68) on Wed 20/10/10 12:04

    SPOTTED DICK -- paranoid in gay clubs

    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Ian L: Ex-Member (deleted:lionsoflisbon) member on Wed 20/10/10 12:32

    What's the difference between Bing Crosby & Walt Disney ...

    Bing sings & Walt disnae !!

    tick 1
     
    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Margaret T (maggiehk) on Wed 20/10/10 12:43

    quickfind:lionsoflisbon > "What's the difference between Bing Crosby & Walt Disney ...

    Bing sings & Walt disnae !!"


    This was my dad's favourite joke - here, all these years, I thought he'd made it up! : )

    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Philip A: Cogito, sumere potum alterum (phil) photos on Wed 20/10/10 12:48

    ..Along the same lines as:

    "I know why Marjorie Proops"

    "?"

    "Because Max Factor!"

    tick 1
     
    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Ian L: Ex-Member (deleted:lionsoflisbon) member on Wed 20/10/10 12:48

    My Dad told me that back in the 70 's ..

    An English guy asked him once what part of Scotland he came from & he answered " All of It " !!! lol

    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Margaret T (maggiehk) on Wed 20/10/10 13:02

    Is that a doughnut or a merinque?
    Naw, yer right , its a doughnut!

    tick 1
     
    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Rodger M (rodger_moffet) lifetime member member photos on Wed 20/10/10 13:10

    quickfind:lionsoflisbon > "What's the difference between Bing Crosby & Walt Disney ...

    Bing sings & Walt disnae !!"


    or on a similar vein

    Whats wrang wi Mickey Mouse's aeroplane?

    Disnae Land

    tick 1
     
    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Moira S: Live for today- we're a long time deid (faefife) photos on Wed 20/10/10 13:14

    What a great start to my day. I loved them all! what about a gless o "Steel foreheeed" aka Irn Bru.

    Re: Parliamo Glesga?
    from Ian L: Ex-Member (deleted:lionsoflisbon) member on Wed 20/10/10 13:26

    Teacher is asking her class what their Dads do for a living ... little Suzy says my Dads a fireman .. very commendable profession says the teacher .. anyway there are all kinds of occupations & she comes to little Jimmy who promptly tells the class Dad is a lapdancer in a gay bar ! You can imagine the uproar so the teacher dismisses the class & asks Jimmy to remain behind & asks him if he is comfortable with the situ with his Dad ... Jimmy replies aw hell miss he works in the finance dept at Rangers but the hell I'm telling anyone that !!!!

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